Trinette's Satirical, Hysterical Observations of Life


by Trinette Coffman Ellis on Monday, June 6, 2011 at 4:19pm

Since KristieRae's favorite treats are candy bars, I decided to base my speech on all her favorite ones. (For each candy bar mentioned, I held up that particular candy)

When I decided to homeschool KristieRae and Ryan 10 years ago, many of our family and friends were very supportive, but some thought I was just PLAIN (Plain M&Ms) NUTS. (M&Ms w/ peanuts) Undaunted, I ventured forth on this journey of homeschooling. My first visit to a homeschool  curriculum vendor hall yielded a rather expensive spending SPREE. (SPREES) I brought home MOUNDS of curriculum. On the drive home from the fair, visions of teaching my children GOOD and PLENTY danced in my head. Little did I know that much of what I purchased turned out to be a DUD (MILK DUDS) of a curriculum. Thank God for homeschool  used book sales.

Our years of homeschooling have been filled w/ learning about things like the MILKY WAY and TURTLE habitats. I remember how excited I was when KristieRae truned in some of her first writing assignments like this one: My dog died. I miss my dog. We will get a new dog. She even used a period at the end of each sentence.
 Homeschooling has afforded us the luxury of extended family vacations. We have visited 42 states and enjoyed the natural beauty of 28 National Parks. Kristie's favorite place was NEW YORK (YORK PEPPERMINT PATTY) City where we enjoyed a bus tour of the city which included a drive down 5TH AVENUE.

As many of you know homeshcooling can be quite challenging. Even though some days are filled with lots of SNICKERS. One does hit some SOUR PATCHES. On these days, weeks, and sometimes months, I found the support of my friends from KRHEST to be quite a LIFESAVER. With KristieRae and Ryan being together full time, the tension could build up at times between them, and we would have to TAKE 5 to regroup. On a particularly bad day in 4th grade, KristieRae handed me this note: Dear Mom, Ryan might be the greatest thing on MARS (MARS BAR) with all the aliens that live there, but I wish I could throw him off the Earth. I'm so mad at him I'm getting hot. So hot I could catch him on fire. Love, Kristie

After 9 years of homeschooling and 1 1/2 years of part time public education at LakeView Technical Academy, KristieRae spent her junior year preparing for college. We found out she is quite the SMARTIE (king size roll of Smarties) and SKORED (SKOR BAR) well on her ACT. Because of this, she was accepted to Carthage College and was awarded over $40,000  in scholarships. This leaves her father and me praying for a huge PAY DAY (King size Pay Day bar) to help pay for the WHOPPER ( huge box of Whoppers malt balls) of her remaining tuition. (HELD UP A 100 GRAND BAR) I am especially thankful KristieRae was accepted to at local college, as who would help me find all the THINGAMAGIGS I lose if she moved away.

KristieRae on this day we celebrate you and all that you have accomplished until now. We look forward to watching you fulfill your dreams to become an Environmental Conservationist and save the earth,  one tree at a time. As your parents, it has been our greatest JOY (King Size ALMOND JOY) to witness you grow into the young woman God intended you to be. Thank you for making parenting for us one of the easiest jobs in the world. We love you and we are very proud of you.

Oh, one last thing, when KristieRae was a little girl she was obsessed w/ the idea of getting a cat. Since Kevin is NOT a cat person, he would tell her that when she went off to college she could have one. Well, since you will be living at home during your college years this is the best we can offer you!! (KIT KAT BAR)

Trinette's and Tracy's Revolutionary New Exercise Video:  Sleepilates.
I am feverishly working on finalizing plans for Tracy and Trinette's Revolutionary new exercise video, "Sleepilates." (pronounced:Sleep alot ease) Burn calories while you sleep, the more you sleep the more you burn. Our target market is to individuals who don't like to move around a lot while exercising.

For those inclined towards more activity, we'll have special exercise segments demonstrated in slow motion by Tracy. The "toss and turn" is easy, but can burn up to 200 calories in your very first Sleepilates session.

For a more active Sleepilates session, you can purchase for a mere $9.99 plus shipping/handling and taxes ( so it really adds up to $54.67) a  highly bedazzled 2 quart water bottle. This should be consumed 30 minutes before your Sleepilates session. This will add 6- 8 opportunities for nocturnal awakenings. For another  mere $9.99 plus shipping/handling and taxes (so it really adds up to $70.08) a specially designed glow in the dark obstacle course to lay out between your bed and the bathroom can be purchased. Note: This is only recommended for the highly skilled Sleepilates enthusiasts.

Bonus upper body workout gear included at no charge: This highly ergonomically correctly designed apparatus which strangely resembles a very small blanket w/ handles sewn in th sides guarantees a great upper body workout. To use most effectively:  Grab hold of  handles and pull against the opposing force on the other side of the blanket; your husband.  Can you feel the burn!?!  The harder you pull the greater the burn!!!  Just think how confident you will feel waving to friends while wearing a sleeveless top!!!

Tracy will be designing and testing out various sleepwear specifically designed for the vigors of Sleepilates.  If you know Tracy, somehow she will figure out a way to get her picture emblazoned on the sleepwear.  At a nominal charge, not sure of the price yet, as we are still taking bids from photographers and popsicle stick manufacturers, Tracy will  be offering her specially designed, "Stick Tracys" for added encouragement in your weight loss efforts.  Hold one in each hand and vigoursly shake up and down and side to side,  and it will look like she is cheering you on.  Tracy's extensive cheerleading experience qualifies her for this unique "coaching" aspect of our Sleepilates program.

At no cost to our  Sleepilates enthusiats we are including nose plugs for free.  Inserting these into each nostril adds an exciting element of oxygen deprivation.  Gasping and struggling for air will certainly burn calories.  We only suggest using these for short intervals during your Sleepilates session.  Overuse can be dangerous, we are not sure why, but we are pretty sure it isn't a good idea.

Because we are using the profits from Sleepilates to fund our daughter's college education, please repost on your FB page.  We need cash fast, our first payments are due June 1st., therefore, we are hoping for a launch date of April 30th. Just in time for Tracy and Trinette's Revolutionary New Exercise Video, "Sleepilates" to get your body swimsuit worthy for summer.


Disclaimer:  Not for real.

1 comment:

  1. Trinette, you should become a writer! You could write those make you feel better about yourself books! Laughter is always the best medicine! If I lived near you I would be healthy as a horse! Love you!